Checkbook overdrawn? Kids got head lice?
Bank about to repossess your trailer?
Does your urethra burn when you urinate?

Petition Pope Rusty with Prayer
using the patented
Pope Rusty Prayer Rug™
hi

It Works!
One person who used the prayer rug is now fabulously wealthy.
Seven took lavish vacations last year. Twelve got paroled more than
a year early. 276 got new tires. Thousands were cured of disgusting
diseases. Millions who worked in the U.S. during tax year 2001
got checks in the mail for $300 in 2002. Only a handful are dead.

Instructions:

1. Click on the Prayer Rug to open it and make it bigger. (Don't worry: it will open in a new browser window so you can come back to these instructions.)
2. Print the Prayer Rug (unless you're planning to kneel directly on your computer screen). Don't be a cheap bastard and print it on utility grade: use a sheet of that nice résumé paper you've been hoarding up. After you've put your complete faith in the Prayer Rug, then, hell, what are you going to need a job for anyway? And who's going to hire you?
3. Go somewhere quiet where you can be alone. Turn off the TV, the radio, the shower massager, and that noisy goddamned high-speed vibrator of yours.
4. Kneel on the Prayer Rug. If you're not able to kneel, then place the rug on your knees. If you don't have any knees, then borrow some.
5. Try not to feel like a prize horse's ass.
6. Stare deep into Pope Rusty's eyes. If you stare at him long enough, you may see tears begin to trickle slowly down his cheeks. (That's because you're kneeling on his collar bones.)
7. Would you like to have Pope Rusty's blessing on your home, your family, or your finances?

Say, "Yes, Pope Rusty, I do need new tires for my truck. I do want to win the lottery and stop being such a loser. I do have faith in your power to heal my life and make me whole again (only richer and slimmer and with a vehicle that doesn't have its doors tied on with rope)."
8. When you've finished, immerse yourself in healing waters (take a bath). Cleanliness may not be next to godliness, but it sure beats walking around smelling like a goat shed.

9. Return to this page and put a check mark next to the blessings you need.   Pope Rusty, please pray for me for...

  my soul   $10 for gas  the IRS
 my truck  a sixpack  the judge
 my victims  free beef  my parole officer
 my cellmate  a new trailer  my broken TV
10. Fold the Prayer Rug precisely into thirds. Try not to put a crease right in the middle of Pope Rusty's nose. He doesn't like that.
11. Place the rug inside the Book of Leroy, Chapter 3, Verse 17, for 24 hours. (If you don't have a copy of the Book of Leroy, you can put it under your pillow, or inside the latest issue of People magazine, or up your ass for all we care. Just don't forget where you put it.)
12. The next day, make out a check to the First Church of Divine Biker Love. This is your Seed Gift to help ensure that Pope Rusty can continue to do his healing work. (No, it's not tax deductible. You'll get your reward in the next life. If it turns out that there is no next life, well then of course you're SOL.)
13. Slip the check inside the Prayer Rug. Seal them both up in a business-size security envelope and send them to Pope Rusty. Using express mail makes your prayers stronger.

14. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER.

If you follow these instructions exactly, good things (like money and beer and a new mobile home and free large pizzas) will come to you.

If you fail to follow these instructions, or if your check bounces, bad things (like debt and foreclosure and Mad Cow Disease and non-consensual sex with Michael Jackson) will come to you.

 

MAIL US YOUR RUG TODAY!

 

Added to your donation will be $4.95 for shipping. You'll receive a Get Out of Hell Free Card and a Holy Relic. Thanks for your support!

 

Didn't work, huh? Well, then try something else: join the First Church of Divine Biker Love today! Click here for membership.


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