1.  Make it a point to tell ten friends that they're stupid or ugly today.

2.  When you walk into a bar, assume that all of the men want to fight with you and all of the women want to sleep with you (or vice-versa, depending on your gender and sexual orientation).

3.  Be as rude as possible to waitpersons and other service-industry workers; it's their job to put up with your crap.

4.  Get drunk, loud, and belligerent as often as possible.  Don't let your job stand in your way.  If your boss doesn't like it, have a discussion with him or her about workplace violence and its warning signs.  If you have access to a portable cd or tape player in your work space, it's helpful to broadcast the song "Take This Job and Shove It" all day long at top volume.

5.  When dealing with law enforcement, address them by their proper titles: these officers react best when you start out on the right foot by saying "Listen, Pig..."   They also respond well to the phrase "I smell bacon!"  Be sure to invite them to suck your dick if you have one.

6.  When doing your banking, be sure to get abusive with the teller and threaten to take your business elsewhere.  This is especially effective if your account is already overdrawn.

7.  Take it one day at a time, but don't miss any opportunities to display your assholish behavior.  Life is short and there are only so many chances to piss other people off before it's all over.

8.  Interrupt other people whenever possible.  After all, it really is all about you!

9.  Monitor your driving behavior carefully: if you haven't been cited for road-rage in the last six months, you're not doing your job.

10.  If you live in an apartment, make as much noise as possible, but if your neighbors make a peep, complain like hell.  It's your right as a tenant.

11.  Whenever you see an attractive woman on the street, be sure to yell out, "Hey, baby!  You're looking FINE!"  Women like this a lot.

12.  If you're in a long-term relationship, you're probably not following these steps carefully enough.  Work on that.  You'll know you're on the right track when you no longer have a significant other but all of your ex-partners have filed restraining orders against you.
 

On the other hand... what are we going to teach YOU
about being an asshole???

If you think you've already completed all twelve steps,
please click here to receive your AA certification:

Do you need to go to Rehab?